I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
