nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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