Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize