i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
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like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
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You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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