i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
