I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
