this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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