I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
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Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
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From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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