guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
