i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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