I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
