Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
