I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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