I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
