literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
