What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
