he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
