The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
