Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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