I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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