I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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