I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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