the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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