My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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