My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
