Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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