Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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