i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
