Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
