I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
