he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
