i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
