Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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