soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
