I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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