If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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