In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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