genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
