What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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