She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
