My first STD was from a foam party
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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