he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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