I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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