i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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