Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
