You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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