You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
