the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
