Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Two words: blizzard sex
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
