My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
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he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
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If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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