you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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