She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
