I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I take back everything I said about communal showers
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
