last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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