Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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