listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
