Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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